


I'll Keep The Light On In This Place

by WhisperOfTheDay



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Drift Side Effects, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Introspection, Nightmares, Platonic Relationships, Post-Movie, Suicidal Thoughts, Tendo is a beautiful ray of sunshine, a big pile of my headcanons, midnight heartfelt conversations, shatterdome as family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-01 07:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13993113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperOfTheDay/pseuds/WhisperOfTheDay
Summary: Before, during, and after.





	I'll Keep The Light On In This Place

"Overdid with coffee tonight?"

Tendo jolted a little, turning around in his seat to meet the source of the voice, though he didn't need to to know who it is.

"Naah," he replied with a smile, shaking his head. "I've learned to measure it off perfectly, I was just assigned to oversee the night shift of reconstruction."

"You mean, you assigned _yourself_ to oversee the night shift," Gottlieb said with distinct humour, leisurely limping towards the central console. Tendo turned back around to carry on making himself useful.

"Who's gonna do the job if not me, right?"

"Hm. Dreams don't work unless you do."

"Funny. I can almost hear this in Geiszler's voice."

The scientist momentarily looked around for a place to sit, settling on leaning on one of the nearby desks, left to the main control panel, "Yeah, well. Happens more and more often now."

 

A beat of silence stretched for a few minutes, Tendo making finishing touches cleaning his workplace. He wiped the small screens scattered all around the vid console and cleaned the holoscreen projectors off dust one by one. Then he turned to screen on, doing mandatory checking for glitches in colour saturation, image displacement and other defects.

2 weeks after the Breach closing, war ending, and they were still here, doing their jobs.

Following a strict order, all personnel was granted several days long vacation to visit their families and hometowns, replace the compressed spaces of the Shatterdome with the vastness of outside world, to release some tension, and then- back to posts. The fight being over doesn't mean they can quit their duties so soon. World never ceased to need protection, as well as reassurances and promises- to be ready whenever something like this is to happen again.

And yet, some left right after the grand celebration, many resigned after reuniting with their loved ones for the first time in a long while.

Tendo's own trip, which he had just came back from, and people he had spent those days with, didn't discourage him, but on the other hand- inspired and empowered.

The ammout of dust he sent flying into the arid air supported the fact that nobody could replace him just yet.

Tendo's throat started itching as if there was sand in it, and he coughed, wagging the clingy particles away from his face. He turned the console off and was skillfully folding the rag when Gottlieb spoke again.

"Never thought I'd have to experience the Drift myself, but life proves itself unpredictable time and time again."

Hermann's gaze grew distant, he seemed to retreat into his own thoughts, looking at his legs that he shifted so that the right one wasn't bent at the knee. His face contored in pain for a second, fingers clenching the handle of his cane and then letting go gently.

Tendo watched him for a moment. Gottlieb's file said he wanted to be an astronaut in childhood. Unlike how it was with most kids' ambitions, this one had proved to be valid and feasible and _desired_ , he had worked hard for it, had even dared to go against his parents' plans for his future.

It must have been agonisingly heartbreaking to have your dreams scattered by one terrible accident, Tendo had thought.

 

Choi knew Newton long before the latter was transferred to Hong Kong 4 years before Tendo was, but he only got acquainted with Gottlieb here. He heard about him a lot from different sources, most of it from Newt, but decided to check out his personal dossier for himself, same as he did with all of his new subordinates and superiors.

He knew those people better now, understood them at a deeper level: what moved them, why they were here, what were they willing to do. Most of them became his friends overtime, and after years of working side by side, some were like his second family.

There's no saying he couldn't imagine losing any of them. Because he could. Because he did, more times than he ever thought he would. More than he thought he could withstand. He was the one to watch dots on the screen flicker out, year after year. It never ceased to hurt, and he doubted living though this time and time again had made him any stronger. Only colder. But it was just the truth he had to learn to live with and accept.

 

Hermann's injury was the turning point for him; same as losing his wife was for Hansen, same as becoming an orphan was for Mako. Same as _10.08.13_   was for all of them.

 

Tendo turned back to the console, thinking of the many lives that were redirected, of all the goals and ambitions that turned unimportant in the face of death that now had many codenames, of this harsh reality the humanity have been living in for 12 years, and of the amount of will and strength and hope they'll have to pour into rebuilding a new, better world.

Life tore them down, but they survived. And they'll do better than wall off, this time.

 

"You can say that again," Tendo murmured, absently, twisting the rosary in his hand.

 

LOCCENT was silent save for the buzz of computer processors and the faint sounds of welding machines and tech equipment coming from the ground floor outside the thick glass.

 

"He was different before we met you know," the physicist said quietly and bit hoarsely, turning the cane in his hands, looking down at it's tip. He worked his jaw, features showing uncertainty.

Tendo came to know Hermann well: that man was straightforward and often harsh, anything but gentle or hesitant. The sudden change was speaking volumes. Tendo sat back and turned his way, ready to listen and trying to radiate patience and understanding.

After a brief pause of planning his speech through, he went on, "Since we got acquainted in 2014, for 3 years we've just exchanged e-mails, then, after the global network went down, simply letters. And, thinking back on it later, I realised why we took such immediate dislike towards each other when we met personally. It came as a shock, how irritatingly overconfident and obnoxious he was being when we communicated face to face. He was another person in those letters. Newton was considerate, thoughtful. Enthusiastic and ambitious, sure, but there was no mad recklessness there. I theorized he could have been holding these sides of himself back, but if even if he did back then, they overtook him eventually and.. Now it's just.. Either he's a crazy, overly emotional lunatic, a danger to himself and those around him, or a depressed miserable child with a tendency to self-harm," Hermann stopped short and gasped quietly, having ran out of air, speaking so quickly. He cast his eyes away to the giant screen on the wall behind him, so that he couldn't read Choi's expression.

The physicist cleared his throat, continuing hoarsely, "Only years later I figured out where this shift came from, and it was... hard- changing my view of him. I doubt I fully succeed on this front, shamefully. Not enough patience in me for it. I thought- maybe if I treat him the same through all the phases he might feel better, but.. I never- never really.. figured him out. All I did eventually was push this matter at the back of my head so it wouldn't bother or distract me and," he took a long breath, "And now it got even deeper under my skin. I can... A trip into his head didn't sort out much, like one would hope, only messed it up further. I experience it myself. His state. It's distant but it's there... and frankly speaking it's.. "

 

_scaring me. confusing me. changing me._

 

"..offputting."

 

The last few sentences were almost lost to the sounds of the outside world; Tendo doubted they were even meant for him to hear, so quietly they were spoken, but he caught them anyway. He wouldn't push, ask further, he's long as realised he's just here to listen. He was surprisingly comfortable with that.

It was strange, yet fitting, that Gottlieb finally opened up now, even a bit, about what was bothering him, though it did seem like it caught both of them a little of guard.

As silence once again fell on the room, Choi gave a quick glance out the window at the workers' small figures lazily going about their business, and thought that it might just be the right time and place for heartfelt conversations, or monologues.

He had to admit- the fact that he was considered open-minded and non-judgemental enough to be the listener, over and over, somewhat warmed his heart.

Tendo was familiar with the feeling. He experienced it before, quite a lot of times, mostly while he was stationed in Anchorage, but here too.

 

When Yancy had a nasty breakup, for one.

Situations like this had to be handled quickly but gently, lest intense emotions not taken under control could destabilise the connection between pilots, which may lead to thousands of civilians and the pilots themselves being in mortal danger.

It may have sounded ridiculous to freshmen at the Jaeger Academy, but pilots had an appointment with a qualified psychotherapist every month and an obligatory session or two after each combat mission.

And since the start, Becket brothers were famous for their insubordination. So obviously they both spat on those rules without a second thought.

Therefore there was no talking about calling up a professional to deal with Yancy's situation, he was too damn prideful for that. And his brother was out of question too, pretty much for the same reason, and.. several more other. Tendo was considered to be the least biased party. The few romatic relationships he had over the lifetime didn't have the greatest outcomes, at least not back then, but he tried his best to cheer his friend up.

 

Once, when it was Mrs. Hansen's birthday, Tendo spent his night shift coaxing Herc out of getting completely smashed. Usually on this day Stacker would be there with his old friend, mourning Herc's wife and Pentecost's sister and drift-partner, making sure they drank enough alcohol to dull the pain, but not enough to disappoint their beloved women. That year though Marshall couldn't make it in time and assigned his right hand on this important "mission". Tendo did it well, if he could say so himself.

 

The next day he would ask for a weekend off.

 

He had sat in Mako's room with her after she had had a nightmare and Tendo just happened to be the one passing by, to hear her cry quietly and not hesitate to knock. He hugged the little girl and spoke to her in soothing cracked Japanese; told her the pretty cliche stuff- you're safe, nothing to fear now, it wasn't real, you're okay, you're not alone, we'll take care of you...

He was left heartbroken at the sight of a twelve year old crying for her parents, spooked to death by the memory of a broken deserted city and the beast that looked at her and whispered destroy.

 

_How many more children out there suffer like this?_

_And we can't stop it._

_We'll do what we can then._

 

"We'll take care of you."

 

Tendo realised the words were sincere as ever, coming from the deepest reaches of his heart. And he'd do good on the promise he just made.

 

He made a promise to Newt, too. He once talked the man out of doing something very drastic. That was a trial he'll never forget, and now, thinking about it, he would've liked to share this incident with Gottlieb, but he had been relentlessly begged not to.

Early in the morning, before the rare aurora polaris even disappeared from the sky, Tendo got a call from a person he least expected. He was standing outside, taking in the view of the snow covered Anchorage shining in the lights of the rising sun, and smoked his first and last cheap cigarette this month. He was alone there and grateful for the precious moment of peace and quiet. Smoke mixed with the warm mist of his exhalation and dissolved in the chilling arctic air as he picked up the phone. On the other end was Geiszler, breathing unevenly, apologising non-stop for disturbing him.

"I- I have nobody else to turn to and they- and I can't- he won't- he hates me as it is- I- oh God.. I'm scared- Please, help me, please-"

Sobbing, Newt confessed that he had a suicidal impulse and couldn't fight it on his own, Tendo had wind knocked out of his lungs. All following intakes of air burned like icy cold water would, for he was talking more quickly than he thought he physically could.

The stone of worry wouldn't go for some time, but the glorious sense of accomplishment would linger even longer. Since then Newt hugged him tighter.

 

He knew Newton for the longest time, but he only knew him like this- uncontrollable, unpredictable, erratic, enthusiastic and carefree. To find out he was different once and that bothered both scientists...

 

"Neither of you ever told me this."

"He doesn't like to talk about it. And by popular belief I'm not the friendly, talkative, sharing type... Guess that is bound to change."

 

"Change for the better?"

 

"..Yes."

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking a lot about how it happened that Hermann and Newt are such good friends for years and then they meet in person and everything goes to shit. So, what I decided happened was Newt's bipolar disorder. It showed it's ugly head some time in 2017, and kept messing him and his relationships with people up for years to come. That's what I went with, idk.
> 
> My headcanons remain an inconsistent mess, heh. 
> 
> The concept of Gottlieb and Tendo talking about stuff that's eating at them, and their relationship as a whole, comes from Bluestar's series I'm an insane fan of. Basically everything I write, and the fact that I write at all, is inspired by "From Out The Ocean Risen". If you haven't read it, you have a part of you missing.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think- any form of feedback is deeply appreciated!


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